Sibling rivalry is all about competition. Age gap and sex similarities affect the
intensity of sibling rivalry. Experts generally agree that jealousy and rivalry
are more intense when the age gap between the siblings is from one to three years.
The intensity will heighten especially if the siblings are of the same sex.
Sibling rivalry is also about power struggle. According to Dr Albert Adler, a famous
psychologist and ardent follower of Sigmund Freud, "kid squabbling is really based
on subconscious strive for power." As parents love and nurture the tiny infant,
he will develop positively and slowly learn to compete with his siblings, who are
"vying" for a share of love and attention.
Preparing your child for the arrival of a baby
For very young toddlers or preschoolers, inform your toddler of your pregnancy only
in the last few months, when your tummy is showing and your child notices that you
are more tired than usual.
Assure the older child that with the arrival of the baby, his position will not
be threatened and that you will continue to love him as much.
Prepare him realistically that the young baby will be very helpless, needs care
and may even cry a lot. The older sibling should also not expect the young infant
to be able to play with him until a few years later.
Prepare your child for the temporary separation when you have to go to the hospital
to deliver the baby.
Involve the older sibling by giving him the responsibility of calling the grandparents
to announce the baby's arrival. But do not overplay the return of the baby as it
will threaten the confidence of the older child in his position in the family.
For older siblings who are of school-going age, you may also find that he is keen
to be involved in the care process. Having a baby in the home also allows him a
wonderful opportunity to act in a grown-up role.
Be prepared to detect resentment. Some younger children may express jealousy with
blunt and frank comments. If resentment and jealousy are detected, you must allow
your older child to express his fears and feelings but with a firm rule stating
that at all times, no violence is accepted in the home.
Do not leave a young toddler or pre-schooler alone with the baby until later when
bonding is more firmly established.
Sibling rivalry is perfectly normal. The battle between brothers and sisters is
one of the most basic and universal of family relationships. As parents, you do
not have to eliminate sibling rivalry. Rather, it can be constructive if it is managed
well.
Dealing With Sibling Rivalry In Older Children
Useful Parenting Tips
- You do not need to feel upset or inadequate if your children are always fighting.
Sibling rivalry is a natural process of growing up and it is good for them to fight,
make up and fight again.
- Only interfere in arguments when they get violent. Otherwise, do not be too eager
to step in. They learn confidence and self-reliance if they can fight their own
battles and sort out their own mess. In any case, you will never be there for them
forever.
- Do not try to be a judge or referee. Taking sides is a no-win situation. You will
always be accused of favouritism. If you need to make a decision, hear both sides
out, and be objective and consistent. The decision should be brief and precise.
- The "no-violence" rule must be made a hard and fast one, which must abided by
at all times in the home for all the children.
- Labelling, whether positive or negative, adds unnecessary pressure on the children.
Likewise, do not live your unfulfilled dreams through your children. They should
be encouraged to develop according to their talents and ability.
- Never make comparisons between the children. Sometimes parents also forget and
make comparisons between children and outsiders e.g. classmates, neighbours and
cousins. Comparisons, especially when they are negative, will heighten the intensity
of sibling rivalry.
- Anticipate trouble spots and pick up the "danger signs" early.
- Protect your children against one another when they get physically violent. Sometimes,
it is the older sibling who requires your protection more than the younger one.
Very often, the older sibling is expected to give in to the younger sibling without
considering the fact that the older child is also one who has his own needs too.
- Try behaviour modification and reward system. Good behaviours should be highlighted
and praised. But when one child misbehaves, do not hesitate to remove the reward.
- Ensure that each child has his own private space where he can be alone and where
he can keep his toys, books etc. Ensure that your other children respect this private
space.
This article is provided by KK Hospital - Singapore’s leading Women and Children’s
Hospital. Please visit www.kkh.com.sg for more information.
